The New and Improved Spider Man
by Kit-E-Kat
Summary: A spiderman Parody which is not stealing Spiderman and doesn't Own spiderman this is just a quick laugh. (either because you think it's funny or it's so sad/stupid it's funny to you)
1. Default Chapter

I Don't Serve Justice!  
  
Once upon a time, there was this radioactive spider right? Yeah, it was all science-y and stuff, with superpowers hidden in it, right? And then some poor kid got bitten by it right? But what actually happened to that spider? Did someone squish it, did it die of old age already? What if… it travelled all the Way to London? And hid in someone's cluttered, crappy garage? Well, in this story it did, so there.  
  
Barry Barker was trying to make a quick few quid by cleaning someone's garage for them, since nobody in England ever cleans their Garage out. He started to clean it up by moving all the stuff outside first, as he moved the last box of crap out of the Garage, A Spider crawled onto his arm and bit him. Why? Why, I hear you ask, well why not? It's a laugh for the spider ain't it?  
  
(Barry) "Ouch! Bastard!"  
  
Barry squished the little bugger first into his arm, then he flung the remains and liquid onto the floor. Barry cleaned out the Garage and made a nice £7, wow, what a generous employer.  
  
Barry got home and felt a bit tired, so he lay on his bed, and fell asleep. He was woken up next morning by his alarm clock which he crushed with his bare hands.  
  
(Barry) "Wow, I've never done that before."  
  
After cutting through his omelette and plate at breakfast, he went into the bathroom and broke a corner off his sink and squeezed half a tube of Toothpaste onto the ceiling. After admiring his new abs in the mirror, he went to work for a normal day. At work he managed to smash the copy machine until it was as small as a copy machine that had been smashed up by some guy with superpowers. He managed to break 17 pencils in half when he was day dreaming. After that, he managed to smash the lift's control panel until it no longer lit up. (He should have read the 'Out of Order' sign)  
  
After work he went to his little friend's house, although only 11, Jim was brilliant, he was the best scientist Barry had ever met. After Barry told Jim about his day, Jim asked Barry to climb the wall and even onto the ceiling, Barry, slightly confused did what he said and would not come down until Jim poked Barry several times with a Broom handle. Jim wanted Barry to be a superhero, and Jim could take photos of him (You sick pervert! Not those kind of photos) in a new Spiderman outfit. Barry decided to make his own disguise, and would give Jim his pictures, Jim even promised to make Barry a web shooter, and web cartridges. "Come back in a week." Jim said.  
  
Over the week rapid changes took place, Barry began to notice things happening around him, if a picture was about to fall, he saw it before it hit the ground, not like usual when he just sat there and didn't notice until it hit the floor and made a loud smashing sound. He began to see better, farer and wider. And of course, he liked to crawl around his flat's ceilings and walls. He found it extremely annoying to have everything stick to his hand, especially the TV remote.  
  
After a week of discovery and annoyance, he went along to Jim's house, and sure enough, Jim had made a Web shooter, and about twenty web cartridges. Barry had only made a Spidey mask, with holes in the white eyes so he could actually see.  
  
(Barry) "Here I am!"  
  
Barry hopped in through the window, and Jim looked at Barry as if he's just been standing there naked. (Ugh! This book was made for sick'o's) Thank god he wasn't.  
  
(Jim) "Barry? Where's your disguise?"  
  
(Barry) "Well I'm wearing it under my actual cool clothes."  
  
(Jim) "Ok 2 things. 1: what's the point of a disguise is you wear it under your normal outfit, and 2: Those clothes you're wearing suck."  
  
Actually, Barry was wearing a White T-shirt and a black leather jacket, and ripped black jeans, and of course, his Spidey mask, and black gloves with holes cut near on the wrist at the veins bit for the web to shoot out from.  
  
(Barry) "Just kidding, this is all I made, it's all I'll need."  
  
(Jim) "Oh well, at least I'll be able to make a small profit from some photos, stop by every week ya?"  
  
(Barry) "Small profit?"  
  
(Jim) "Yeah, these web cartridges ain't cheap ya'know!"  
  
(Barry) "Ok, ok."  
  
So Barry and Jim started the photo shoot, Barry stuck to the ceiling, swung around outside, stuck to the building across the road, shot web at something, overall, they shot about 50 photos. Then they used the copier at Barry's work to copy them and send them to every paper around town. They managed to make a small fortune, a total of £5,265, not bad, maybe they could even send it to more Newspapers further around town.  
  
Barry thought it would be cool to try swinging around town for real, sure, he swung for the photos, but only from the top of one building to another, and sometimes, even fell straight to the floor. Barry started down the street, swinging from building to building, then, gradually, he started to swing over the roads and in between buildings, whoa, better watch out for lamp posts.  
  
(Barry) "Well, I'm hungry, I think I'll go eat something at that tall revolving restaurant."  
  
So Barry started to swing to another building when some pompous asshole in a green suit and on some sort of glider, flew right past him and almost knocked him out of the air.  
  
(Barry) "Hey! Screw you ass rammer!"  
  
Suddenly the Green 'ass rammer' turned around in the sky.  
  
(Barry) "Oh shit he's coming back."  
  
Barry decided to pick up the pace a little bit, or a lot. Yeah, Barry was flying through the sky like he was being chased by some ass rammer on a glider.  
  
Suddenly, Barry could see the revolving restaurant ahead, he blasted straight for it and landed on top of it. Straight afterwards the green ass rammer jumped off of his glider and started to walk towards him.  
  
(Green ass rammer Glider dude) "What did you just call me?"  
  
(Barry) "I called you an ass rammer you ass ramming uncle fucker."  
  
Suddenly the Green ass rammer dude sprung massive blades about 60 cm long out of his arms and looked like a praying mantis with his stylish green suit thing, to add to that, he pulled two swords out of their cases on his back.  
  
(Green ass rammer Glider dude) "Well, I'm the Green Gobbler, muahahaha!"  
  
(Barry) "That's a shite name, absolutely crap."  
  
(Green Gobbler dude) "Well, I suppose you have a better name?"  
  
(Barry) "Well actually, to tell the truth, I don't really have one, I mean, Spiderman is already taken right?"  
  
(Green Gobbler) "Yeah, he lives in New York."  
  
(Barry) "Well, it's not important right now, let's just fight ya?"  
  
The Green Gobbler cut Barry across the arm, and Barry jumped far away, holding his arm.  
  
Barry looked at it, it started to heal up really quickly. Suddenly the X-men jet flew above the battle scene, with a banner trailing behind it saying: 'Copycats'  
  
(Barry)*looking at the screen* "I think Marvel comics are gunna sue somebody."  
  
Suddenly the wound goes back to how it was all nasty and bleeding.  
  
(Barry) "Hey Bitch! You got blood all over my favourite shirt!"  
  
Suddenly, The Green Gobbler pulled out a bomb shaped like a small pumpkin.  
  
(Barry) "Oh come on! This is getting ridiculous, we can't afford to get sued by twelve different people."  
  
(Green Gobbler) "Do you know what this is?"  
  
(Barry) "Um, a trick or treat bag? Oh I know! An Egg timer!"  
  
Green Gobbler) "No idiot it's a bomb."  
  
(Barry) "Yeah I know, I was just joking for god's sake, you bloody retard."  
  
(Green Gobbler) "Well, you might be able to save yourself, but can you stop me from blowing up this entire restaurant?"  
  
(Barry) "Go ahead, I don't serve justice or anything, I won't try to save, them."  
  
(Green Gobbler) "Oh," *Throwing pumpkin bomb into the background* "Well, I guess there's nothing left but to DISEMBOWEL you."  
  
(Barry) "Yeah, I guess, or we can just hug and make up, hey, is it too late to be friends?"  
  
Luckily for Barry, the Pumpkin bomb was still armed and exploded at that moment, sending the Green ass rammer into the floor (well, actually roof) of the Revolving restaurant, while Barry jumped off and got the hell outta sight.  
  
When he got back home, he pulled out a piece of blade wedged in his arm.   
  
Property of GOBSCORP  
  
Was written on one side and:  
  
Made in China  
  
Was written on the other side.  
  
(Barry) "Gobscorp? This is getting out of hand."  
  
Barry went to Jim's to find out more about GOBSCORP. Seems they are a company which designs dangerous things, they're on the verge of going bankrupt, since a local company has been pushing them down.  
  
(Barry) "So, anyways, I need a name for myself, well, ya'know, my 'superhero' self."  
  
(Jim) "How does it feel to be the defendant?"  
  
(Barry) "Huh?"  
  
(Jim) "Sorry, I… I don't know why I said that."  
  
(Barry) "Well? Names?"  
  
(Jim) "Um, how about, 'The Spider'?"  
  
(Barry) "How about no."  
  
(Jim) "The Amazingly Corrupt and unstylish Spiderman?"  
  
(Barry) "I've got it, The New and Improved Spiderman."  
  
(Jim) "How does that work? You're not new anymore, and you're not improved either, you're actually quite inferior. So really, you should be called the Old and Inferior Spiderman."  
  
(Barry) "Nah, then the bad guys wouldn't go oooh, now that's a good name, they'd go, hahahahaha, look at that dick munch in a suit!"  
  
(Jim) "Don't they say that anyway?"  
  
(Barry) "Shuttup! Anyway, shouldn't we find out more about GOBSCORP?"  
  
(Jim) "Well I hope you're not planning to break into it."  
  
(Barry) *Half way out of the window* "Um, no."  
  
(Jim) "Don't try breaking in, it's more like a fortress than a company, the best thing to do would be to buy the company and then look around all you want."  
  
(Barry) "Ok, but how will we get the money?"  
  
(Jim) "We could try sending more pictures to more newspapers for money."  
  
(Barry) "Wouldn't it be easier just to rob a bank?"  
  
(Jim) "Yes but the Moral…" *The Curtains at the window blow in the wind, with the window wide open and no sign of Barry* "…Oh well." 


	2. Chapter 2 : Cheating

Cheating…  
  
Barry zoomed through the street, experimenting with his web, trying to get more speed out of swinging, he'd sort of gotten used to it now. Ah, watch those lamp posts. Sometimes he needed to swing from lamp posts, but then he'd need to watch out for the floor, which he scrapped his knee on once.  
  
Eventually he got to the bank, and he just walked into through the front door, then quickly he jumped across and under a nearby table which had been pushed on its side. It seems Barry had picked the wrong bank to rob, two other masked robbers were already robbing it.  
  
(Robber #1) "Hand us MORE money woman!"  
  
(Robber #2) "Yeah, and hurry the fu-"  
  
Barry jumped out and webbed the first one into the wall, the other pointed his gun at Barry, but Barry jumped onto the wall to dodge it, then he webbed the gun out of his hand, then threw the Bank Robber through the glass which separated the customers and bankers. Barry jumped through, then webbed the other robber into the ceiling.  
  
(Innocent) "Wow! What a hero!"  
  
Everyone started clapping and cheering, the bankers started patting him on the back.  
  
(Barry) "No! NO! Stop cheering!" *Filling bags with money* "I'm here to ROB this bank, not to save it."  
  
(Innocent) "Wooo! Three cheers for Spiderman!"  
  
(Barry Thinking) "Ugh. These people are impossible."  
  
As Barry walked away from his three cheers, with several bags of money in his hands, he strapped some to his spidey belt and leapt to the side of the bank and climbed all the way to the top. From there he started swinging back to Camden town to meet Jim and tell him the good news. Barry got back to Jim's, and Jim gave Barry a map to show him the way to GOBSCORP.  
  
(Jim) "By the way, why are you going to find out about GOBSCORP?"  
  
(Barry) "Nobody almost knocks my out of the air and gets away with it." (Thinking) "That Green tosser"  
  
Barry climbed back out of the window.  
  
Barry was singing down the street with the bags of money, one split open throwing money down to the people of London, many people living on the streets jumped up and grabbed what they could, some people even started fighting over the money floating down.  
  
(People below) "Hooray for Spiderman!"  
  
Barry continued on for GOBSCORP, he stopped on a building not too far from GOBSCORP, but it could be seen in the distance, it had a Giant sign saying GOBSCORP on it, and it was a massive building.   
  
Inside GOBSCORP:  
  
Everyone is sitting at a table:  
  
(Employee) "Well, what are we going to do about our money problem?"  
  
*Suddenly crashing through the window, The New and Improved Spiderman lands on the table, and magically smashes every bag of money scattering money everywhere and making it float through the air.*  
  
(Employee) "Now that doesn't happen often does it?"  
  
(Barry) "I'd like to buy GOBSCORP." So Barry Bought GOBSCORP, becoming the new president, and the old one became magically fired…  
  
"How can the board fire me?! I have given my soul to this company! Three damn years of work, all gone!" Some old man was rambling on about, while he crushed a paper cup in his hand, sending hot coffee all over his hand. "If I go, the company will go muahahaha!" *Pressing Button on device on desk* "Professor, prepare the Mantis serum, it's time for a real test."  
  
……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………....  
  
Barry got home, and sat down in his chair for a good's night rest, well, he'd done a lot today, he'd almost got knocked out of the air by some green prat, robbed a bank, Bought a doomed company, learned to swing from building to building, and all in one day.  
  
(TV Presenter) "…In other news, GOBSCORP latest models, the Mantis Suit and glider, have been stolen, and the serum all used. Although all of these weapons are top secret, the News Corporation have the power to kill anyone who stands in our way, so stuff anyone who says we shouldn't be releasing this information since we're evil and just interested in making profit… This just in…………" Barry sat up for a minute, 'wow, I wonder what that's about'.  
  
The next day Barry was on his way to GOBSCORP went suddenly, a giant explosion shattered half of the building, sending all hopes of finding the Green Uncle Fucker up shit creek. Barry Quickly swung towards the building to see if anything was left of the doomed company. Barry dropped down into the flaming, ash filled remains of what used to be a building. Suddenly, the Green Gobbler dropped down and slapped Barry across the face.  
  
(Green Gobbler) "Ah ha! You're too late! Rushing here to rescue as many people as you can, but you're too late I've already killed the senior Executives!"  
  
(Barry) "Hey, fuck you! I couldn't give twelve monkey's asses about any of these people! I just wanted a chance to meet you again,"*cracking his knuckles* "and finished what we started!"  
  
(Green Gobbler) "Started? Listen, we can work together! Rules these puny creatures together!"  
  
(Barry) "Shit yo, I was just thinking of making some profit, but your idea is much better."  
  
(Green Gobbler) "So, you've decided to go against me, just as I thought."  
  
(Barry) "What?! No listen dude, I want to work with you."  
  
(Green Gobbler) "You fool, I've given you the chance of a lifetime, and you've thrown it away."  
  
(Barry) "Ugh, what is it with this story?!"  
  
Suddenly some dude jumps down into the building (or what used to be a building) and threw a Cigarette at The Green Gobbler.  
  
(Green Gobbler) "Ahh no, cigarette buts, my only weakness! How did you know?"  
  
(Strange Fag Throwing dude) "What the fu-" The next words were cut out by the Green Gobbler climbing onto his glider and flying off, but Barry was sure the word was fudge.  
  
(Barry) "Who the hell are you?"  
  
(Strange Fag Throwing dude)*Smoking a cigarette* "I am…… (*Mysterious Drum roll*) The Amazing Fag man!" (Dun dun dun)  
  
(Barry) "Wow, I'm the New and improved Spiderman!"  
  
(Fag Man) "Wow, your costume is the best dude, you wear your normal clothes, and just wear a mask and some gloves."  
  
(Barry) "Hey, You're no prize either, you have a paper bag over your head with a mouth hole and a two eye holes, then you have a belt filled with fags, and a backpack, then you have-"  
  
(Fag Man) "-enough!"  
  
(Barry) "How come you showed up anyway, I thought I was the hero of this story?"  
  
(Fag Man) "Well, you suck so much, that the author needed someone good to help you out, so you don't die ya'know, you are the hero after all." *Puffin' his cigarette*  
  
(Barry) "Oh, well we'd better chase after that glider dude, I don't want to lose him,"  
  
(Fag Man) "What ever you say."  
  
Fag Man and Barry jumped out of the 'what used to be a building' sort of building and swung after The Green Gobbler, As Barry swing, the Fag man sprouted out his own web, which made him swing further, amazingly further, although the Fag Man slowed down for Barry.  
  
Suddenly, as Barry came around a corner and swung off his web, his web cartridges stopped shooting, he swung into mid air, and started to fall. Before Barry Landed he looked over at Fag Man to see what he was doing, Fag Man was quickly smoking as much as he could, then he started to glue his cigarette buts to his foot. (?) Barry quickly changed his left hand's web cartridge and webbed over to a nearby lamp post and hit it making a loud thud and then he slid down the lamp post and landed on the floor with a painful *Crack*. Meanwhile, Fag man landed safely since the ash from his cigarette butt covered foot cushioned his landing.  
  
(Passer by looking at Fag Man) "Oh that was so cool."  
  
(Fag Man) "Come on Spidey, get up,"  
  
(Barry) "Ouch."  
  
(Fag Man) "What's the matter? That couldn't have hurt that much."  
  
(Barry) "That's easy for you to say, you didn't sit on yourself when you hit the floor."  
  
(Fag Man) "Ouch man,"  
  
After about an hour of recuperation, Barry was able to walk again, he decided to take the rest of the afternoon off. After he got back to his house, Barry sat down and switched on the TV, and the news flickered on.  
  
(TV presenter) "Today's top story, some crazy loser is flying around in circles above the tower of London, many people are throwing cans at this lunatic but none have managed to knock him out of the air. Since this flying maniac started flying over 5 hours ago, people have already turned it into an amusement for which tourists are paying to see and get pictures of, the Evil local shops have also started selling gifts and souvenirs of this Green menace. Although he looks like a loser in a suit from a bad comic, police say there is nothing to fear… In other news the mayor of London has spontaneously combusted…"  
  
(Barry) "Hey, that looks just like that Green Mother Fu… no, I'll find out where he is in the morning."  
  
Barry went to bed with a glass of painkillers, the next day he would go and see Jim, see if he knew anything about the whereabouts of the Green Gobbler.  
  
Next day, Barry was at Jim's house.  
  
(Barry) "So, do you know anything about this Green Gobbler, like where he might be?"  
  
(Jim) "The dictionary says: Defendant noun 1 someone who resists attack 2 law the accused in a law case."  
  
(Barry) "What?"  
  
(Jim) "Sorry, I've got this terrible illness, it's called 'Copyrightus Theftus'."  
  
(Barry) "What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
(Jim) "Huh? What, oh never mind."  
  
(Barry) "Well? Do you know anything about the Green Gobbler?"  
  
(Jim) *Typing on his PC* "It seems, the Green Gobbler is after you, he's posted a bounty on you, he wants you taken to the tower of London…?"  
  
(Barry) "Right! Gotcha!"  
  
(Jim) "Hey, you know it might be a trap or…." *The Curtains at the window blow in the wind, with the window wide open and no sign of Barry* "…never mind."  
  
Barry landed on top of the Tower of London, with no sign of the Green Gobbler.  
  
(Barry) "Where the fu-"  
  
Suddenly Barry was kicked down and The Green gobbler flew overhead on his glider. Barry stood up, and threw a discarded piece of wood at the Green Gobbler.  
  
(Green Gobbler) "Ha! You're Weapons are useless against me!"  
  
(Barry) "What kind of crack are you sniffing?!"  
  
Then the Green Gobbler jumped off of his glider and landed on top of the Tower of London, then the Gobbler's blades sprung out.  
  
(Green Gobbler) "Haha! My weapons are still better than yours."  
  
Suddenly Barry pulled out a Shotgun and blasted the gobbler to the other side of the tower's roof.  
  
(Barry) "Dodge that bitch."  
  
(Green Gobbler) *Coughing up blood* "Hey! That's cheating,"  
  
(Barry) "What? There's a Superhero/Super Villain Rule book, ha! I'd like to see that."  
  
The Green Gobbler pulls out a rule book from his pocket and hands it to Barry.  
  
(Barry) "Wow, what do you know, it's also against the rules to wear shoes that glow in the dark."  
  
(Green Gobbler) "Don't tell Harry…"  
  
(Barry) "What? You don't want your son to know that you're the Green Gobbler?"  
  
(Green Gobbler) "No," *coughing up more blood* "Don't tell Harry, my roommate, that I stole a twenty from his wallet to pay for this suit."  
  
(Barry) "Fine," *Barry Pulled the shotgun's trigger again and blew off the Green Gobbler's Head* "Shut the hell up."  
  
Suddenly the amazing Fag man glided down onto the Tower's Roof.  
  
(Fag Man) "Yo Man wassup, I didn't miss anything did …… *Looking at the remains of the Green Gobbler* "Oh holy Jesus. I see you've cleaned up here."  
  
(Barry) "Yeah, just another day in the life of someone who'll pawn anything worth 10p or more."  
  
(Fag Man) "Yeah, it's a good life."  
  
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………  
  
"Damn That Spiderman! Now that he's swinging around the other side of London, out News channel never gets any ratings. Hmm, but what can I do? I've got it!" *Pressing a button on his desk* "Get me J, I have… a great idea. Muahahaha" 


	3. Chapter 3 : It's a Good Life

It's a good life  
  
Barry started thinking, now that he had all sorts of spider capabilities, he could have anything he wanted, so he walked out looking for the perfect house, a giant front room, a giant bedroom, it was the biggest most beautiful house Barry had ever seen in London. The only problem, he needed some money first. He decided to rob another bank, since that was the best way to get money for him now.  
  
When he got to the nearest bank, nobody was at the front desk, and no guards or anything were anywhere to be seen. Barry walked into one of the vaults, to find it empty, suddenly a giant hole appeared in the wall thanks to a giant shock blast, suddenly, after that, a van can rushing through with some weird super villain climbing into the back door.  
  
(Barry) "Hey, that's my money you little bitches!"  
  
Barry started to swing down the street, after those 'little bitches', when suddenly the amazing Fag man showed up.  
  
Barry swung after them as they drove down the streets (if you call what they were doing driving) and eventually he came to their hideout, it was a large warehouse, Barry crawled inside looking around, there were millions of wooden boxes and crates, and a Large boat was docked as well, the Van was parked next to the boat and the money was being carried into the boat by thugs. Barry started thinking.  
  
(Barry thinking) "Hmm, should I ask them to surrender first, or should I just web 'em up?" *Smack Thud* "Huh? What was that? Oh probably nothing, maybe I could pull out my shot gun and blow the losers into the wall. Maybe I should get Fag Man to take some photos of me kicking some ass, that ought to rack in some good money too. Huh? What?"  
  
Barry looked down at the thugs, to find them all already tied up and Fag Man giving the thumbs up towards Barry. Suddenly, some rattling noises startled them, then some pounce in a yellow suit and some weird gloves jumped out and shot at Barry several times.  
  
(Barry) "Hey! Who the Fu-" *BOOM!* "Are you?"  
  
(Yellow suit weird glove dude) "I am, the Shacker!"  
  
(Barry) "The Shacker?"  
  
(The Shacker) "Yeah, hey, all the good super villain names are taken, you come up with something better."  
  
(Barry) "Ok, how about Pounce in a yellow suit and weird gloves? Or how about cheese coloured man?"  
  
(Shacker) "So, what's your name Mr.stylish?"  
  
(Barry) "The New and Improved Spiderman!"  
  
(Shacker) "Wow, you ARE just a dick munch in a suit."  
  
Just then, Fag Man put his cigarette out on the Shacker's head.  
  
(Barry) "Wow, that was extremely easy, there must be two bad guys to defeat in this chapter."  
  
(Fag Man) "Well, let get this over with can we, I've got other crap to start in except this piece of shit."  
  
(Barry) "Hey bitch, keep your ass on, we got another few chapters to get through yet."  
  
(Fag Man) "Crap, well, I'm hungry let's go eat."  
  
(Barry) *Filling his pockets and tying money bags to his belt* "Yeah, yeah, whatever."  
  
So Barry and Fag Man went down to the local McDonalds to get something to eat.  
  
(Fag Man) *Pushing little kids and parents* "Hey, where the hell's the service?!"  
  
(Barry) *Sitting down at a table* "Yeah, the service is terrible, waiter?!"  
  
(Fag Man) "Get up here dumbass."  
  
(Barry) "Oh shit yeah, I want that one!"  
  
(Fag Man) "A happy meal? Whatever."  
  
(McDonalds Assistant) "Hello, I'm Sarah, how can I help you."  
  
(Fag Man) "Ok woman, I want a Big Mac and my retarded friend here will have a happy meal."  
  
(McDonalds Assistant) "Sure, what drink would you like?"  
  
(Barry) "So wait, you guys all take such abuse but you still serve all of us right?"  
  
(McDonalds Assistant) *Twitching* "Ye- yes."  
  
*In the Background another McDonalds assistant spits into a cup with drink in it*  
  
(Barry) "In that case, screw you bitch, hurry up with the food!"  
  
(Fag Man) "We both want a coke. Oh, and I'll have an apple pie."  
  
Barry and Fag Man finished their meals and went out to find something to do.  
  
(Barry) "Yo, I'll see you later, I got a new house to go buy."  
  
(Fag Man) "Yeah, and I got a move to shoot, see ya later."  
  
Barry was swinging his way to the house he had his eye on, when all of a sudden his spidey sense went off, or maybe it was just a headache.   
  
"Remember Gargon, this is your only chance, don't screw this up.*Looking towards scientist* "This'll work right?"  
  
(Scientist) "Yeah, I chose the scorpion because it's a natural predator for the Spider."  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Suddenly, like someone jumped out of a window, some other super villain jumped through the window of a building and grabbed Barry and bear hugged him until they both landed on the top of another building, and then he dropped Barry.  
  
(Barry) "Who the fu-" *Cough wheeze* "Are you?"  
  
(Strange jumping through window dude) "I am, THE SCORPION!"  
  
(Barry) "The scorpion huh? Really, I though you were the Grinch."  
  
(Scorpion) "Bah! It doesn't matter what you say, I'll crush your puny bones with my hands."  
  
(Barry) "Oh shit!"  
  
Barry jumped out of the way just in time as the Scorpion went straight through a door at the top. Barry walked over to the door and look in.  
  
(Barry) "Where did he go?"  
  
Suddenly the scorpion grabbed Barry by the throat and pulled him back in a chokehold.  
  
(Scorpion) "Hahaha! I'm Stronger and Fast than you."  
  
(Barry) *Cough* "Yeah, most of the super villains are, but I still kick your asses in the end."  
  
Barry managed to lift his leg up backwards and strike the Scorpion in the nuts. Scorpion fell to the floor on the floor. Barry quickly webbed him up, but the Scorpion stood up and easily broke free.  
  
(Scorpion) "Did you expect your crummy web to work on me?"  
  
(Barry) "Well, Yes, actually."  
  
(Scorpion) "Ha! All your powers are useless against me!"  
  
(Barry) "Oh, in that case…"  
  
Barry pulled out his shotgun and blasted the scorpion, but the bullets just bounced of the Scorpion's armour, he shot again, this time, as the bullets bounced off, one scratched Scorpion's face. The Scorpion screamed, then lashed out with his tail knocked Barry's shotgun out of his hands and down into the streets.  
  
(Man Walking below) *suddenly a Shotgun lands in his hands* "Wow, now you don't see that happening every day, what next? Spiderman?"  
  
(Barry) "Hey, you owe me a new shotgun."  
  
(Scorpion) "Shut your face!"  
  
The Scorpion kicked Barry into a nearby wall bursting two bags of money sending money down into the streets.  
  
(Same Man walking below) *Watches the money float down towards him and starts to pick it up* "Yes, it's going to be one of those days, isn't it?"  
  
Then, Scorpion smacked Barry across the face with his tail, sending Barry off the top of the building and down to the ground, landing on the pavement with a loud THUD.  
  
(Same Man walking below) *THUD* "Well, shut me up."  
  
Barry jumped up and got the hell out of there, as he swung, the Scorpion appeared next to him spinning his own web.  
  
(Barry) "What the hell? I thought that the Scorpion didn't have web shooters in the cartoon!"  
  
(Scorpion) "This isn't the Cartoon, retard!"  
  
Barry simply jumped off his web and kicked the Scorpion in the face, sending flat into the floor below.  
  
When Barry had got far enough from the battle area, he went to Jim's to see if he had anything about the Scorpion. Barry climbed through his window and looked at his PC, it seems that he'd been looking at a page containing Information about Scorpion's latest DNA update, to stop him going crazy, luckily, there was the address of the DNA science centre on it as well.  
  
Barry first dropped his cash off at his house, then went to find this Scorpion.  
  
Barry arrived at the door of the giant science lab, suddenly the amazing Fag man landed next to Barry.  
  
(Barry) "Hey, what the hell are you doing here?"  
  
(Fag Man) "I'm your guardian angel, I know where you are all the time."  
  
(Barry) "Whatever!"  
  
(Fag Man) *Staring at giant metal door* "So? Should we just knock?"  
  
Barry and Fag man went on top of the science lab and saw there was a glass roof for it, suddenly several beams started to shoot below them. Barry and Fag man looked at each other, then they jumped through the glass roof down into the Lab.  
  
(Alarm) "INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!"  
  
Suddenly, the Scorpion who was being shot with some beams, and a small midget scientist who was controlling the beams, started to grab their heads and shake them wildly.  
  
(Scorpion) "ARRGH! Shut that piece of crap off!"  
  
The Midget scientist turned them off.  
  
(Barry) "Well well well. Look at this, an Umpa-loompa and a prick in a suit."  
  
Suddenly the Scorpion wriggled about, Barry hadn't noticed that the Scorpion was bound to a small chamber with metal.  
  
(Umpa-loompa Scientist) "Ah, no! Not you."  
  
Suddenly the midget scientist ran off, Barry ran after him, but was too late, he'd gotten through another giant metal door. Just after that, another scientist ran in, but this one was not a midget, he didn't have two arms though, more like one.  
  
(One armed Scientist) "Quick you have to run this way, this whole place'll blow in seconds!"  
  
(Barry) "Why? You're not armed are you? Hahaha, ok we're coming."  
  
(Scorpion) "What about me?!"  
  
(One armed Scientist) "Bollocks to you, Spiderman here is the hero."  
  
All three of them ran out into the street nearby, they all watched a F21 fighter plane fly out of the hanger and into the distance.  
  
(Barry) "Well, that was a load of rubbish."  
  
(Fag Man) "And a waste of time, you didn't need my help to do that, I came all the way here from making a movie for this. I'm outta here." *walks off*  
  
(Barry) "Anyway, you!" *Points at one armed scientist dude* "Why did you come in to save me?"  
  
(One armed Scientist) "Well actually I just forgot my watch, so I came back to get it, then I saw the young scientist was trying to use the Scorpion's DNA ray, he'd overloaded it and it was going to explode eventually, but you speeded that up by breaking in setting off the self destruct system."  
  
(Barry) "Um, OK."  
  
Suddenly, the Scorpion jumps up and screams.  
  
(Scorpion) "ARRRGH! I'll kill everyone and destroy everything! Muahahaha!"  
  
(Barry) "Shut up."  
  
Barry pulled out his new MP5 sub-machine gun and blasted Scorpion in the face, instantly killing him. 


	4. Chapter 4 : The Doctor

The Doctor  
  
The One armed scientist turned out to be Dr.Conn, the mad scientist experimenting with cells and genes trying to create the perfect regeneration serum. That's how he lost his arm, trying out his experiments. Barry and Dr.Conn got back to Dr.Conn's Laboratory and started talking about this serum.  
  
(Dr.Conn) "You know, I could probably make a serum to 'bulk' up your muscles and spider sense if you wish."  
  
(Barry) "What, why would I need that, can't you make some sort of serum to make me more attractive to the opposite sex?"  
  
(Dr.Conn) "Well, I suppose it is possible, but the moral dilemma-"  
  
(Barry) "Cool! Make me one! Make me one!"  
  
(Dr.Conn) "Well, it's not that simple, it might take a while."  
  
(Barry) "Oh man, I gotta wait a couple of minuets?"  
  
(Dr.Conn) "More like 30 hours actually."  
  
(Barry) "Oh man, well, here's my mobile number, call me when you're done."  
  
(Dr.Conn) "Ok. Later Spiderman."  
  
Barry walked outside of the giant metal door, when suddenly a giant dude in an animal suit came rushing towards him.  
  
(Barry) *While Flipping onto a nearby wall* "Shit! Shit! Shit!"  
  
The dude seemed to be in a Rhino suit, his horn pierced through the giant metal door, making a cool big dent into it. The Rhino suit dude continually bashed the door until there was a big enough hole to walk through.  
  
(Barry) "Oh, that was so cool."  
  
The Rhino then walked out with Dr.Conn on his shoulder.  
  
(Dr.Conn) "For God's sake!? Are you bloody retarded? Hurry up and save me!"  
  
Barry tried webbing the Rhino, but the web just slipped off.  
  
(Barry) "Oh come on! This just isn't fair, and we can't kill every bad guy with a gun."  
  
Rhino climbed into a helicopter which flew off towards a giant skyscraper, Barry followed it. As soon as it landed on the roof, Barry looked for an entrance.  
  
(Rhino) "I've got him," *Dumping Dr.Conn on a desk* "He didn't put up much of a fight though."  
  
(Weird voice) "Rhino, have you always been retarded or did you pick it up from someone?"  
  
(Rhino) "Uh, what was the question?"  
  
(Weird voice) "So, Dr.Conn. This is the way it's going to work: You are going to hand over all of your research, and then you are going to work for me."  
  
(Dr.Conn) "Well, watch this…" *Goes to pick Dr.Conn up*  
  
Suddenly Barry come crashing through the window sending glass everywhere, Barry span threw the air and landed.  
  
(Weird voice) "Well, look at this, I dick weed in a suit."  
  
(Barry) "Oh yeah, and look at you. You're a woman, and damn you fat, not to mention ugly, your kids must get shit loads of 'your momma so fat' jokes."  
  
(Weird voice) "If you must know, I am the Queen-Pin."  
  
(Barry) "Wait, what the fu-?"  
  
(Rhino) "Instead of King Pin dumbass!"  
  
(Barry) "Well, I wouldn't have guessed, I thought you were called 'Big Momma', or maybe 'LARD ARSE'."  
  
(Queen Pin) "Well actually," *Grabs Barry in a bear hug* "Approximately 4% of my body mass is fat, this is what 1,000 pounds of Muscle can do."  
  
*Queen Pin grabbed Barry in a bear hug and started to crush him*  
  
*Machine rattles and beams shoot in the background*  
  
(Barry) "Ow, you fat bitch, let go!"  
  
*Suddenly a weird Lizard man jumped in and Kicked Queen Pin off of Barry*  
  
(Barry) "Where the hell did that come from? And what's it doing wearing Dr.Conn's Lab coat?"  
  
(Rhino) "That Lizard thing must've eaten Dr.Conn."  
  
(Queen Pin) *Dusting herself off* "No you retards, Dr.Conn is that Lizard thing, Dr.Conn can transform into a Lizard being if he buggers around with the right cells."  
  
(Barry) "So wait, what are we supposed to do to get him out of it?"  
  
(Rhino) "Hey, look at this note!" *Starts reading note* "To turn me back… This hand writing is terrible … simply fire the constipation beam at me."  
  
(Barry) "Constipation beam?"  
  
(Rhino) "Concentration beam."  
  
(Queen Pin) "Great, now all that remains is for us to dispose of you."  
  
(Barry) "Lick my balls."  
  
(Queen Pin) "I'd be willing to show leniency if you just give up now."  
  
(Barry) "Lick my balls."  
  
(Rhino) "Bad move, it's two against one."  
  
(Barry) "As far as I'm concerned, that means you're outnumbered."  
  
*Rhino charges at Barry but Barry flips over him and lands safely, while Rhino runs into a wall*  
  
(Barry) "Wow, you're really strong."  
  
(Rhino) "Thanks, I've been working out."  
  
*Suddenly the Queen Pin Jumps for Barry but only lands flat on her face*  
  
(Barry) "Wow, you're so fat, it really does take a train to get on your good side."  
  
*Suddenly the Lizard knocked Barry out of the nearby window, sending him plummeting to his death*  
  
*Wakes up*  
  
(Barry) "Huh? Where the fu-" *Truck honks horn* "Am I? Ok, this all makes sense, I just got thrown out of a building, plummeted to my certain death, and now I just woke up on top of a building to which I've never been to before."  
  
*Looks at self*  
  
(Barry) "Damn, where'd I get this cool suit?"  
  
* Now Barry was wearing a spidey suit, all black and white, it was really cool*  
  
(Barry) "Well, how cares, time to get back to Dr.Conn."  
  
*Barry jumped off from the side and swung downwards, flying straight into the roar of traffic below, hitting the side of a minibus, making the passengers look on in amazement. Barry then jumped off of his Web and landed on the pavement*  
  
(Barry) "Whoa, I just cleared over 50 metres in one swing! It's… It's this suit, it's amazing."  
  
*Barry sat down*  
  
(Barry) "But how do I get it off?" *pulling at suit* "Get off me you damn suit!"  
  
*Suddenly the suit vanished and Barry sat on the Pavement naked*  
  
(Man walking by holding shotgun) "That's it, I'm laying off the Gin for a while."  
  
(Barry) "Dammit!? Where are my clothes?"  
  
*Suddenly his normal clothes came back on*  
  
(Barry) "Wow, this suit, it's, it's amazing."  
  
(TV Presenter on nearby TV in the background) "…Earlier today a NASA Space shuttle crash landed in the River Themes, although no signs of trouble have been made visible since the crash, NASA say there was a Dangerous life from aboard, and the sick jokes are coming in…"  
  
*Barry started swinging, as he felt the breeze through his hair, and on his face, Barry remembered that Dr.Conn had been captured by the Queen Pin, So Barry went to the Queen Pin's Skyscraper*  
  
(Queen Pin) "Well Dr.Conn, it appears you have given into fear at last, please work faster." *Suddenly Barry flips through the broken hole in the window which he came through earlier and lands safely on his feet* "I knew I should've done something about that window."  
  
(Barry) "Ok, the jig is up, 'your gluttony', (Instead of 'your majesty, Queen Pin = Fat, get it? Oh never mind) Give back Dr.Conn, he's done nothing for you."  
  
(Queen Pin) "Precisely, and may I say, your tactics are completely flawed."  
  
*Suddenly Rhino picks up Barry from behind, holding him in a bear lock*  
  
(Barry) "Aw Shit. Well, since you got me, do you mind if you reveal the plot of this chapter already?"  
  
(Queen Pin) "Not at all. Well, I've captured Dr.Conn because he will be making a regeneration serum for me, which I can sell to international terrorist for lots of money."  
  
(Barry) "Oh, thanks, I wasn't sure what was going on but now…"  
  
(Queen Pin) "Now I've revealed all of my plans, you can reveal something."  
  
*Queen Pin tries to un-mask Barry but his new spider suit wouldn't come off*  
  
(Queen Pin) "Dammit! Bastard ass mask!"  
  
*Pulls really hard but only pulls off a piece of the suit, and the hole in his mask is immediately covered by the suit*  
  
(Queen Pin) "What the hell is this shit made from?!"  
  
*Barry suddenly kicks Rhino in the groin*  
  
(Rhino) "Ugh… Now that was uncalled for."  
  
(Barry) "Sorry Rhino"  
  
Queen Pin then jumped for Barry but once again missed and fell straight into a computer monitor, then Barry webbed he web.  
  
(Barry) "Wow, my webbing come out by itself, I don't need web shooters anymore! Yes!" (*thinking* "now we can make even more money from those photos")  
  
(Queen Pin) "You'll never win!" *Hits a button*  
  
*Barry webs up Queen Pin's mouth*  
  
Suddenly, Dr.Conn came running in.  
  
(Dr.Conn) "Ok, I think it's safe to go. Come on! What are you waiting for?"  
  
(Barry) "Can't we just use the window?"  
  
(Dr.Conn) "Well actually…" *Suddenly Pulls out a gun, then shoots Barry who falls over*  
  
(Barry) "What the fu-" *Dr.Conn laughs* "-are you doing?"  
  
Suddenly Dr.Conn transforms into a grey faced bald guy, wearing a purple spandex costume and pansy yellow booties.  
  
(Pansy Yellow booties dude) "Hahaha! I am… *Drum roll* The Cha-meleon!"  
  
(Barry) "Don't you mean Chameleon?"  
  
(Cha-meleon) "No, CHA-meleon, as in Cha, Ch! CH!"  
  
(Barry) "Oh, well I thought you were the Stupid Pansy yellow bootie… no, no, I've lost this joke."  
  
(Cha-meleon) "Muahahaha! You've lost!"  
  
(Barry) "Don't be so sure…"  
  
*suddenly Barry's suit grows tentacles and grabs Cha-meleon and throw him into the wall*  
  
(Cha-meleon) "Oh damn. I really thought you were buggered."  
  
(Barry) "Muahahaha!"  
  
*Suddenly Queen-Pin bursts out of her web and Thumps Barry in the face sending him stumbling back into the wall*  
  
(Queen-Pin) "There is no point in continuing this battle. I don't see why we can't work together."  
  
(Barry) "Hmpf. Well, I really don't want to mess up my new suit so… ok!"  
  
(Queen Pin) "Ok, steal the crown Jewels for us and we'll let Dr.Conn go."  
  
(The Real Dr.Conn in the back ground) "What? Only a retard would go along with that, the crown jewels are much harder to steal than it is the defeat Queen Pin, and my invention could heal millions, while stealing the crown jewels is illegal, and-"  
  
(Barry) "Ok, I'll do it."  
  
*Queen Pin and Barry Shake hands*  
  
(The Real Dr.Conn in the back ground) "Un-believable." 


End file.
